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Keep Your Head Above Water

Most boaters know the difference between WMDs (weapons of mass destruction) and MSDs (marine sanitation devices). Congress on the other hand seems to spend as much time regulating MSDs as they do looking for WMDs. A recent article in BoatU.S. Magazine suggests that “the universal pumpout symbol is not generally recognized by boaters.” This may be because there aren’t that many of these signs and many of the signs are in front of pumpout stations that don’t work. I visited the website: marinepumpouts.com and found that there were no listings for Florida. Obviously, there are some in Florida and the website needs to be updated.

As a past member of the Hallandale Beach Marine Advisory Committee, I was privy to the plans for the new city marina. The plans called for a pumpout station located in an inaccessible corner of a dead end canal. I suggested a more accessible location. The city representative was shocked and stated “Then, everyone would use it.” I was stupefied. The marina is still not built and may never be, as the permits are stuck in a bureaucratic quagmire; much of it over sea grass or some other fish and wildlife issue.

There are about 13 million boats in the USA. This translates to at least 30 million boaters. Shouldn’t we humans get our own department? The Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) regulates many boating issues. However, the FWS is only concerned about Fish and Wildlife. Truth be known they would probably be happy if there were no boats to mess up their environment. If the Fish and Wildlife folks are really concerned about the water quality, whatever their motive is, then there should be no marina that does not have a working pumpout facility.

My condo marina does not have a pumpout facility. Several years ago, I was falsely accused of “dumping my head” at the marina. The dockmaster, who didn’t like me, had led the condo board astray. Most of the board had never even visited the marina, let alone knew what an MSD was. Without any evidence to support the allegations, the manager sent out a certified letter informing me that I had violated several sections of the condo documents, Florida Statutes, Federal EPA regulations and the RICO Act. One of the board members approached me several weeks later and said that he had read the reports and didn’t understand why I would “stick my head in the water” at the marina. He now knows the difference between my head and a marine head.

It is legal to dump your head in the ocean if you are at least three miles from shore. The Florida Keys are an exception. The Keys are a No Discharge Zone. On a trip with my yacht club several years ago to Key West we could not find a functioning pumpout at any of the marinas we visited. When we arrived at Key West, we were all able to pumpout with the city’s mobile pumpout boat. The Galleon, an otherwise beautiful marina, had no pumpout and the marina next door had one that didn’t work.

I think it’s about time to revive CEPTIA, the Committee to End Pay Toilets In America. In the mid 70’s, CEPTIA was successful in banning pay toilets in Florida and many other states in the USA.

As CEPTIA is probably defunct, I propose a new organization to be called CRAP, the Committee for Readily Accessible Pumpouts. I call on all boaters to support CRAP. Write your representatives and demand that they listen to our CRAP. We want free pumpouts at all marinas. We will also lobby for cheaper biodegradable toilet paper. If the Federal Government can subsidize farmers, why not toilet paper? I’m sure you can imagine life without summer squash. But, can you imagine life without toilet paper? It’s about time for all boaters to get off the pot and take action. I also call on the eight million RV owners to support CRAP as they face some of the same issues.

If you would like to join the grass roots movement and support CRAP, contact the author. Sheryl Crow’s recommendation to use one sheet is not the answer to this problem. We need free pumpouts and cheap paper.

Bob E Sherman, a Miami Hurricane, is a columnist for the Waterfront News and the author of the book Am I the Only One That Signals? Listen and learn at http://www.bobesherman.com

Excuses For When Your Business Card Holder Turns Up in the Most Unlikely Places

This society’s penchant for personal branding and individuality has lead to complications. When you do not want to be identified, you will be and when you desire anonymity, you will gain notoriety.

Unlike clothes, you cannot disown a personalized business card holder with business cards in it! So what happens when your business card holder is found in these places and everybody you know teases and confronts you about it?

Sleazy Motels

Sometimes, but hopefully not often, you will stay in a roadside motel with a reputation for being a lovers’ nest, a prostitutes’ haven, and a brothel front. This is not to say that you frequent these motels but road mishaps do happen especially when you are on a hanky-panky business with your paramour! (Such an old-fashioned yet appropriate word, don’t you think?)

What do you tell your wife when the desk clerk calls to return your leather wallet with your initialed business card holder to boot?

* Your car was in an accident and the motel was the nearest accommodation available. Well, it is the truth so you get to tell just half a lie. It is good for your conscience, don’t you think?

* Your buddies surreptitiously got your wallet with the business card holder tucked inside and played a prank on you. This is a good one when your buddies will cover your ass anytime of day, no questions asked, and the desk clerk is incapable of speech and thought. Good luck on the second one.

Strip Clubs/Brothels

Uh-oh. You are in trouble. But have no fear; you can always lay the blame on others, on alcohol, on fate, on the weather and on your wife herself. Here is how:

* You can tell your wife that your buddies dragged you into the club but you just watched the show. Cross your heart and hope to die. (Well, actually you crossed your fingers those girls will take it all off.) At the same time, your buddies are also laying the blame on you so that makes all of you even Steven.

* You got so drunk you were barely aware of where you were, which explains the wayward wallet with the business card holder. You slept through the whole show and your buddies helped you get home, Again, better pray to the gods of men that your buddies will cover up for you anytime, big time!

* You were fated to be there that night. If your wife is a big believer in destiny, then maybe it is your destiny to fool her, too. Maybe.

* You just found cover from a brewing storm inside the club. Is there something wrong in keeping your head safe from lightings? Certainly not!

* This is the ultimate. You can tell your wife it is her fault because either she does not cater to your needs anymore or she is not desirable anymore or that she constantly fights with you and you needed to get off steam. You can always pick a fight and divert the issue, right?

However, something bad can be said about leaving something as identifiable as your business card holder in these places. What on God’s earth were you thinking when you brought your business accessories to these places anyway?

You will not be in trouble now and reading this if you divested yourself of business articles before going on monkey business, will you?

You will not be ashamed to carry around high-quality engraved Zippos and a genuine leather money clip from ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com, even when your business card holder gets lost in the most unlikely of places. Find all these and more at ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com today!

Of Leather Briefcases, Accountants and Assassins

Disclaimer: This article in no way seeks to diminish the profession of accountants and to elevate the profession of assassins. This is simply a tongue in cheek analysis of leather briefcases as used by accountants and assassins alike. (Remember, you must love your accountant lest you find yourself in trouble with the Internal Revenue Service and you need to love assassins lest you find yourself in trouble with the Bible’s commandment about loving your enemy. Sad but true)

Professional Disparateness

Though you might think that assassins and accountants do the same thing - they can kill you, only in different means and methods - they are very distinct professions with equally distinct characteristics. Here are just two of them:

* Accountants deal with the paperwork and numbers. They lug around voluminous papers that threaten to drown anybody who dares decipher the codes embedded therein and they eat numbers for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And these same papers are miraculously stuffed into the slimmest of leather briefcases!

Assassins deal with the dirty work and revolvers. They lug around killing tools that can be hidden most conveniently inside their coats or the most elegant leather briefcases and they eat souls like the Devil incarnate. Or at least, that is what Hollywood wants us to believe; God forbid you ever cross path with an assassin out to terminate your existence.

* Accountants use the power of the pen and calculator to kill (okay, make that crunch) numbers. And lest you even dare think that you can actually make sense of financial statements without burning the midnight oil (and a few of your functioning brain cells while you are at it), think again. Accountants use them to confuse both you and the Internal Revenue Service. And these financial statements change as fast as you can count your fingers! Drat, there goes your profit reduced by depreciation yet again.

Assassins use the brute power of car bombs, sniper rifles, blades and other weapons

of destruction, plus a timer here and there, to kill numbers. If you cannot make sense of financial statements, you cannot make sense of the killings either.

Professional Similarities

Now, this is the more interesting part. How can two professions - one killing inanimate numbers, the other killing animate numbers - have similarities? If you think hard enough, you will get these:

* Both accountants and assassins have uncommon affinity for leather briefcases. It seems that leather briefcases serve the purpose of organizing files and ammunitions at the same time! Remember the movie “Wanted”?

* Both accountants and assassins must be licensed. The former by appropriate government agencies before they can practice their profession. On the other hand, assassins must be licensed to kill by anybody they like whether borne of their own demented minds, fanatical beliefs and monetary greed.

* And oh yes, both accountants and assassins can kill you. Accountants kill you by spiriting away your money to bogus corporations while assassins kill you by spiriting your soul, or whatever it is that makes us human.

In conclusion, if you suspect your accountant to be an assassin in disguise ready to make an ass out of you, then leather briefcases full of your financial documents could be on your next target, er, agenda.

To find the best personalized card holder and leather money clip, as well as leather briefcases for your chosen profession, go to ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com now!

Send Free Prank Email For Free

First step: complete the address you want the email to be sent to. Then, you fill in the sender’s email, subject, message and sender’s name. Before you know it, you will become an anonymailer yourself! You will be joining other hundreds of Internet users who send anonymous email messages each day. The best thing is that your identity is completely unknown and you can use any email address as a reply address. The difference from this service with other similar resources is that when you send an email, the receiver sees both your email address and your name. This is indeed one great advantage.

What are other reasons you may have to become an anonymous mailer besides free prank email sending? Perhaps you suspect your husband of cheating on you and you want to catch him on the act. If you are a model citizen, then perhaps you might transform in a hidden sender and inform tax office about those who dare to cheat on their tax paying duties. Untraceable emails can also be used as a way to declare your romantic feelings to somebody. This resource is also perfect to send secure emails when your own email address does not function (temporary email). Other reasons for wanting to hide yourself from email receiver: reporting something to your boss (you might not desire for everyone to know you sent that specific email), sending fake email to verify the loyalty of your friends and warning someone through anonymous emails. In fact, there are so many reasons you should be interested in such a service. It might be a fake email or you may want to send email on behalf of someone. A free prank email can turn out to be a great joke, allowing you to tell (later) to your friends about hidden email sendersend anonymous messages.

However amazing this resource might be, you will have to understand that it cannot be used for illegal activities, committing offence or fraud. You can send emails to anybody but that does not mean you are not to respect the law. For your own security, both the IP address and country of residence are recorded. You can send your own fake email without using any real names, password or personal server. Fame email messages are sent through their server, requiring no SMTP or hosting account to be used. There is no limit on how many anon e-mails you can send throughout the entire day. The send a fake email service can be used from any part of the world, on any computer and by any Internet user (advantage of this service - support HTML platforms). If you enjoy this service very much and prefer sending fake mails through proxies, then you should be interested in the premier account. Apart from an increased number of additional features offered, the premier membership means no footer ads. You will get this service for $12/y. Best part is this service is unlimited. It’s great, isn’t it?

Kenzi Kiabot writes articles for such topics. His articles are unique and very informative. Anonymous free email Send fake emails with reply

How to Ask Your Parents For Money (And Get Rejected Fast!)

When you become an adult, parents tend to be the hardest people in the world to ask money from. Not only because they probably have no money to spare but also because you are expected to provide for yourself now! The worst part is when you have to listen to lectures about hard work, thriftiness, and responsibility. Like that would be any consolation to your empty stomach and equally empty leather money clip.

Parents are not exactly heartless. In fact, your parents might just be teaching you about adult responsibilities that you refuse to take as you cling to being a Peter Pan. There is nothing wrong with being a Peter Pan as much as there is nothing wrong with Michael Jackson. Or maybe there is? But I digress. Here is how to make your father hide his leather money clip faster than you can whine “Oh, Pleaaasssseee help me, Mother”.

Be the Greatest Liar Who Ever Lived

Never ever tell the truth behind your begging them for money. You can invent good excuses for your real troubles - you are sick when you actually are pregnant and want an abortion fast; you have overran your credit card limit because you bought nice things for your sisters in college when you actually have gambling debts enough to pay the year’s mortgage; or you need to take maintenance medicines for depression and anxiety when you are actually a junkie.

If your parents know the real trouble you are in, you can bet your last dollar on your woefully-slim leather money clip that your request will be rejected. Until such time you tell them the truth, maybe.

Discuss How You Plan to Spend the Money

But discuss it in such a way that your true needs will not be addressed. You can be as imaginative as you want in wasting the money they will be loaning you. If you know they have funds for a Hawaii vacation, tell them that you want to go to Hawaii because the doctor ordered it. (Use the depression and anxiety excuse, if you like)

Not only will you end up with lesser money on your leather money clip (cab fare or gasoline sounds familiar?) but you will also be alienating yourself from your miserly parents. No more “Mom, thanks for the quick loan”.

Just Because I Said So

You have often heard this phrase from your parents when you were younger. You want to wear Goth makeup and they told you no; you ask why, they tell you “Just because I said so!” Well, now is the time to use the very same phrase to have your wish done.

Never ever give your parents time to decide about your request. Never ever put your reasons on paper lest they find an “i” with no dots and a “t” with no slash. If they sense something fishy about your request, there goes the dollars to feed your hungry leather money clip.

It is a Donation, Not a Loan

And the best way to scare off your parents is to tell them you are asking, not borrowing. Be as insensitive as you can be about their needs. You might just find yourself kissing the door while they slam it on your face. Your old bedroom door, of course. Nobody said anything about loving parents actually throwing you out on the streets!

Of course, if you really need the money for valid purposes, you should never ever follow this advice. Otherwise, you really are asking for trouble, not money.

If you only you were one of those successful career people with leather briefcases and a personalized business card holder, you probably will not be asking your parents to fill in your leather money clip. Nevertheless, should you need these things, visit ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com.

Fatherhood According To Larry

My husband has been known to have some unconventional behavior at times. Some of it is intentional and some of it is not. I especially remember some of his earlier antics.

Men who grew up with much younger siblings are more naturally at ease with taking care of babies. Larry did not have this advantage. It soon became evident the night our friends, Jim and Sally, came over for dinner with their 6 month old child. Wanting to give my husband some practice time in handling babies, Sally handed over her baby to Larry to hold for a few minutes. He was clearly nervous and uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do. When I announced that dinner was ready, Larry who is always the first in line when it comes to food, eagerly turned to put the baby down on the blanket so he could eat. Although my husband was not kid savvy, he was quite familiar with cats, particularly how they can survive falls from great heights. The fact that he was holding a baby and not a cat did not occur to him. He just didn’t make that connection. Thus, Larry bent down so that he was within approximately a foot or so of the blanket and tossed the baby expecting that this little creature would make a perfect landing. Everyone stood in horror as the baby left his arms and clumsily landed on the blanket. We all stood with mouths wide open and out stretched arms hoping that one of us would be able to cushion the impact. Unfortunately, no one could react in time, but we were all quite relieved that the baby was okay and survived my husband’s na

Peanuts Aren’t Really Peanuts – “A” Doesn’t Equal “A”

I am holding a can of peanuts in my hand and reading the label. The front of the can says it contains Roasted Peanuts. I turn the can around and read the ingredients. The main ingredient is Peanuts. I believe we can assume that this is a can of peanuts. But wait a minute, there is another category that says Allergy Information: And guess what it says. Contains Peanuts. Is this ridiculous or what?

I’m sure there are three reasons for the redundancy:

1. We are a nation that is hooked on excessive government regulations.

2. We are a sue-happy nation.

3. Lawyers create the laws and regulations. Who benefits from the above two reasons?—need I say more.

Gee, I wonder why the American people put up with this sorry state of affairs?

Is Logic Logical?

Logical reasoning is in short supply. Just listen to the candidates running for political office. You have to assume that logic and reason have taken a permanent vacation.

Putting Quantum Physics and certain metaphysical principles aside— the laws of Newtonian Mechanics are applicable to most ordinary decisions in everyday life. A=A. This is irrefutable.

If you purchased a bag of apples at your local grocery store, arrived home and discovered that your bag of apples were oranges you would exist in a state of uncertainty—your life would be chaotic. Or if you were driving, came to an intersection with a stop light and green wasn’t really green—in fact green is often red—you probably wouldn’t reach your destination.

You prepare your morning pot of coffee—pour a cup—take a sip and swallow. Suddenly you are gagging, choking and coughing. Your cup of coffee is actually a cup of bleach. Your everyday existence would obviously be in question. Long-term survival would be almost impossible.

Modern Philosophy

I discovered that some of the philosophy courses in a number of modern universities teach that everything is indeterminate. A doesn’t necessarily equal A. A might be B or possibly C. In fact it might not exist at all. “A” is an illusion.

I’m sure you are comforted by the fact that the thick, juicy steak you’re cooking on the grill might not be steak at all. You just think it is steak. It might be something else—possibly an old shoe. Even worse, you are suffering under an illusion that you are actually cooking something. There is neither a grill nor anything cooking on it.

Conclusion

It is obvious why a can of peanuts has to be labeled peanuts—has to list the main ingredients as peanuts—and must warn you that this can of peanuts contains peanuts. If A doesn’t equal A, it is evident that listing the main ingredient in a can of peanuts as peanuts means it might not be peanuts. So to make sure that the consumer knows this is a can of peanuts there has to be an additional warning that states this can of peanuts contains peanuts.

I am confused about one thing though. If A doesn’t equal A, how can we be sure the allergy warning is actually correct—when it states that this can of peanuts which has as its main ingredient peanuts, contains peanuts? Maybe it actually contains dried prunes, or apricots, possibly lizard tails, toenail clippings, worms————.

Isn’t modern philosophy wonderful? It must be. Our candidates for office take advantage of it when they are making promises. The voters seem to believe in it. And of course, our political institutions are run on its “tenets.”

Still—why do the American people put up with it? Maybe they believe that “A” is anything they want it to be. You know this is enlightening. You can have your cake and eat it too. That is, of course, if it is cake we are eating.

At The Ballgame

“Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.” What an afternoon to watch a ballgame! There’s the vendor. Peanuts, peanuts, get your peanuts. Hey, throw me a bag of those peanuts. I can’t wait to open the bag up and start crunching on em’. Wait a minute. Hey, you come back. These aren’t peanuts. These are nails. What’s going on here? I want some peanuts.

Robert A. Meyer has been investigating and studying economics, philosophy, psychology and metaphysics for 30 years. He realizes there are basic principles of Human Action that will help you become successful. His knowledge that life is to be lived on a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level allowed him to discover “The Libertarian Way.” He experiences its many pleasures and ecstasies on a daily basis. http://libertarianway.com/